Album Reviews: Paul Parnell – Pretend It’s Christmas

It is well into the month of December, everybody. Let’s get in the spirit of things by taking a look at Paul Parnell’s recent debut album Pretend It’s Christmas. This scarf-garbed Hoosier pictured above is a middle-aged singer and pianist whose life has revolved around music for years now. He has a very active background in church choir involvement. Seemingly his most outstanding trait appears to be his absolute love for Christmas. Parnell’s affinity for the holiday stretches past that of the average Christian practitioner, and how! Even the most avid of churchgoers aren’t writing their own songs to commemorate the season, but Paul is a churchgoer with the gift of music. Thus, the world has eleven new and original songs, ballads, and jigs with which to celebrate.

The Pros:

Listening to this album is more than enough to make Ned Flanders cry tears of joy. I don’t think I have heard a more Christmas-fueled “Christmas album” than Pretend It’s Christmas. Yes, Parnell has admirable talent at the piano bench and the time and patience it took to compose these songs are virtues of his that he was more than willing to put to use. What is most impressive about this release thought is Paul’s commendable, brazen attitude dealing with marketing his music. Independent artists, no matter what genre, will release an album not only to share their art with the world, but also to be noticed in some fashion. Bands do not have to worry because they are putting out a (usually) unique brand of noise available for a demographic that is always hungry for new sounds. Whether it remains under the radar for good is left up to chance. Paul Parnell places himself in an even tougher marketplace, because as ignorant as “nobody is searching for independent Christmas albums” comes off, it is pretty undeniable. The label is far too specific and undesired, because people who want a holiday themed LP will easily grab Mariah Carey or Vince Guaraldi‘s exquisite Peanuts seasonal collection long before a copy of Parnell’s offering gets glanced at. You can more than assume that he is fully aware of this, and that is why he garners a lot of respect for choosing this path as his first career step. He’s in it solely for the music.

The Cons:

Artistic integrity aside, this album suffers from a lot of unfavorable cliches and weaknesses. In regards to what I was saying towards the end of the above section, this record actually does have a market. The sad truth is that it is most appropriately suited for dollar stores and budget sections of Barnes & Noble book shops, (since Borders is no longer). This isn’t bashing, and it isn’t mocking in the least bit, but Pretend It’s Christmas can be taken with no more seriousness than Jan Levenson’s former assistant’s “That One Night” song from The Office. Without even popping this in to see how it sounds, many people would be under the impression that it’s a joke just judging from the cover.

Since there was not any type of media that could be embedded in this article, it is difficult to really understand, let alone describe the cheesiness scattered individually to all eleven tracks that make up Pretend It’s Christmas. The title track kicks things off to an “is this guy for real?” beginning. Imagine the most cliched smooth jazz progression you can think of, and pair it with lyrics like, “Sitting on my patio/It’s 85° and there’s no snow, but I can… pretend it’s Christmas.” Tracks like “Christmas Time Is Here Again,” “The Christmas Tale,” and “The Perfect Lamb” are next in sequence, and the tone changes drastically from the first song’s longing for the holiday to a strictly religious standpoint. Each one not only grows less fun and more educational in lyrical context, but increasingly histrionic as well; sometimes to the point where it becomes laughable. Did I say smooth jazz just a bit ago? Make that smooth jazz as interpreted by a MIDI or some other facet-limited synthesizer. It seems that every other track is laced with a wimpy, pathetic, shudder-inducing “vibraphone” setting from a keyboard. Parnell himself has a propensity to get extremely vocally awkward depending on the religious seriousness of each song. He expands simple words so that they become weirdly and barely comprehensible enough for the listener. When he’s in this mode, it most accurately can be characterized as Donny Osmond on tranquilizers.

There is a plethora of other odd and questionable things that make up this LP, like the borderline offensive and ill-conceived belching sound effect used in “Christmas Indiana” at one point. However, listing all of them would come close to reaching the length of Santa’s naughty list. From an existentialist’s point of view, you could say that this album’s being is pointless because there are countless of other Christmas albums that are centered around religion specifically, and most of them are better in some way. That essentially goes to say that there isn’t much originality within Parnell’s debut. From a more lenient and sensible point of view, you could say that Pretend It’s Christmas not only doesn’t bring anything new to the table of music, but it also gives fresh meaning to the phrase “cheese ball.”

The Verdict:

Giving a poor review to Paul Parnell actually pains me a little bit, especially because his favorite holiday is just around the proverbial corner. A candle cannot be held to this man’s passion for Christmas, but his collection of inspired tunes quickly shifts from adorable to over-the-top and silly. Listeners are better off with Guaraldi’s classics. One thing is for certain though, and it is that nothing can hurt Parnell’s yuletide pride. I wish him a joyous Christmas time, and I know for a fact he will have nothing less.