27th Jul2011

People at 402: Ryan Gabos

by nickwan

Ryan Gabos is our newest writer. You’ve probably noticed that he’s been throwing down strong, with a review practically every week as of late. Referred to us through the temporarily-absent Nate Pavlot, Gabos was a fairly quick learner on how to do things around the site. Like Adam Finley, I personally don’t know Gabos at all, and would attest that I know him the least out of all the 402 staffers.

Below is a transcript of a telephone call turned into an interview. He initially had no idea this was the interview for the site.

–

What is the last dream you can remember?

This is really embarrassing. I was watching a brand new episode of South Park and the arc of the story was Cartman cumming in Butters’ mouth. It was kind of specific but kind of gross. If this is for the interview I don’t want this in the interview. This is kind of weird and kind of… gay.

Yeah, that’s going in.

Is it? Okay.. damn it.

It’s the zombie apocalypse and you have just received the first version of the vaccine. The problem is that it only works on bands and artists that you know of. What band or artist would you test it on, assuming it may not actually work, and could actually kill them? If it did work, who would be the next band to vaccinate? What band would you enjoy in zombie mode the most?

This answer will not nearly be as gay. The first band I would try it out on would be… oh man, that’s tough. I was trying to think of a band who has a perfect discography so if they do die they’d be perfect forever… but… ah jeez. I can answer you this: if the vaccine worked, I would give it to Grizzly Bear because Veckatimest was so good I want to see what’s next. If the vaccine might kill the band but save them, maybe Kings of Leon. I liked their first two albums — I thought they were really good. The next album wasn’t too good. And the next albums would probably be as bad. So I don’t really care if they die. And a band in zombie mode… probably Best Coast because I hate Best Coast and they would probably be a lot better if they were all zombies.

What’s a movie genre you wish existed?

Probably like a zombie noir mystery genre. That’d be pretty kick ass.

What is the second best movie in that genre?

It would be called [long pause] “Brains, Darling”.

Who’s in it?

John Goodman and Viggo Mortenson as the two investigators/zombie killers. The ice cold blonde would be Naomi Watts. And a cameo appearance by Steve Buschemi as one of the zombies.

What is the first best movie?

Uh, “Brains, Darling II”. Kind of like a Godfather effect. The second one tops the first.

You’ve landed on Boardwalk and there is a hotel on it. You don’t own Boardwalk, and you have only the items in your pockets to barter with. How do you get out of paying rent on Boardwalk?

I don’t know. Slit the throat of who is controlling the funny money. You won’t pay shit. It’s fucking Monopoly.

You have been chosen to have your life portrayed in a play in three acts. What are the titles of each act?

Act 1 is going to be “The Carter I”. Act 2 is going to be “The Carter II” and act 3 is going to be “The Carter III”.

What’s the problem, climax and conclusion of the play?

The problem is that I’m too awesome for my own good. The climax is that I arrive through the gates of Hell on a Pegasus. Upon doing this I realize it’s okay to be as awesome as I am.

What 402 staffer is the most mysterious?

At this moment, Nate. Because he hasn’t written shit in forever.

And what is their mystery, if you had to guess.

He’s up in NY at a beach house. The mystery is whether or not he has wifi, which he claims he doesn’t… but who knows.

If you had to assign super powers to all the 402 staffers, what would they be?

You (Nick Wan) would be like the Superman type. You’ll also be a doctor and stuff.

Nate has the power to turn into a bear, and that’s about it. He’s not a strong bear… he’s just an average grizzly or something.

Finley… he has laser eyes. He can shoot lasers from his eyes. He has kind of a Captain Marvel thing where he puts his baseball hat on backwards he becomes laser eyes.

Blake Rice, he has the power of invisibility. And can also withstand great heat. I feel like he can do that.

And me? I don’t know. I can give people goiters. Because that sucks. I can give people goiters with my mind. Only to the people being really rude though, because that’s nothing anyone really deserves. Unless you’re a dick.

Most frustrating artist/band for you and why?

This I actually have an answer for: Roxy Music. A lot of websites and music things like Roxy Music would be up my alley. Everyone says because based on the music I listen to I would like Roxy Music but I don’t.

Describe the scents around you.

Beachy. Because this is my first day by the beach.

Was that beachy or peachy?

Beachy. As in bombastic.

What’s the worst commercial you’ve seen as of recent?

Hilariously bad would be those Tostinos Pizza Roll commercials. Those kids who go into the kitchen late at night and the one idiot has to scream “I love tostinos pizza rolls!!!!” I mean, you’re an idiot. No food is good enough to scream at the top of your lungs for.

are there any other questions you want me to ask you?

Ask me… actually no. Not really. So you’re really leaving in that bit about the dream?

Yeah.

Damn it. I really wish I hadn’t said that. Because that’s really weird. That’s a really odd dream that I had. But I guess that’s me.

I guess I do know a little better now.

Yeah, I guess.

Did you want to recall another dream?

Will it replace the dream I had?

No.

Damn it. I mean, now I’ll just be known as the gay 402 writer who is also into cartoon porn. I mean… it adds color in there.

—-

Gabos does reserve the right to make this post “private” from the public, but until he actually has to apply for a job that requires no cartoon porn fantasies, everyone should enjoy this.

Category : Complete Miscellany
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29th Mar2011

People at 402: Michelle DeVries

by nickwan

 

Michelle DeVries and I met in 2000 over a music forum. Although many internet friendships die out fairly fast, Ms. DeVries and I some how have stayed in contact over the years. Although her output here on 402 is little to none lately (she’s sort of in the same position as I am, as far as school goes), how could you fire a face like Michelle DeVries?

This interview was really similar to just a regular conversation Michelle and I normally have… in any case, here it is.

What was the last thing you saw on TV?

A black baby and a white baby.

What were they doing?

They were being carried.

Describe the scents around you right now.

Brown sugar and cinnamon because I’m eating an oatmeal bar.

And how is that?

Not very good.

Would you rather be invisible but only when you had your eyes closed or the ability to fly but had ugly looking wings?

Ugly looking wings! If I can fly and if I can see then that’s all I need.

You’ve landed on Boardwalk and there is a hotel on it. You don’t own Boardwalk and you have only the items in your pockets to barter with. How do you get out of paying rent on Boardwalk?

Bee jays.

If you could make out with one cartoon character, who or what would it be?

 

Oh my god, Felix the Cat because he’s got a magic bag of tricks! Who knows what he’s gonna pull out.

Who knows?

If I made out with the guy, maybe.

The guy’s a cat though.

I can get past it.

You have been chosen to have your life portrayed in a play in three acts. What are the titles of each act?

I’m terrible at these kinds of questions. Like, you asked me to name your biography and I came up with the worst idea.

The good thing is that this is yours though.

One has to be about you. Didn’t you have a thing called The Jennifer Chronicles? So can it be The Nick Wan Chronicles? Or Pizza Hut. Or Domino’s. That’s it. Domino’s and East Cotati. That’s the first one. The second is BJ’s for Nursing School. And the last, I don’t know. I haven’t reached that point in my life yet.

What’s a word you know of that you think is misspelled but isn’t?

Can we instead make it a word that is a word that i think isn’t?

Yes.

Irregardless. I hate that word. It isn’t a word. How can you have something that’s irregardless? If you have something that’s irregardless then you’re regarding it.

What else questions did you want me to ask you?

How much money do i want?

And?

$875

That’s quite specific.

I could have added the 35 cents.

Is this like unpaid parking tickets or something?

No! It seems like a good amount of money to have.

—-

Quite literally, she had no reason for the $875.35. I don’t really know when she’ll actually see this interview on this site since she barely is available online as it is. You’ll see her posting again probably sometime in the summer.

Category : Complete Miscellany
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23rd Mar2011

People at 402: Remy Chan

by nickwan

Remy Chan, much like Tambo, is one of the original three creators of this place. Initially, when we were a video production company, Remy Chan and his room would be the post-production headquarters. Since those days, Remy Chan has been relatively quiet and is more or less no real help around 402 anymore. The fact still stands that he owns a part of this.

He had no idea I was calling him about an interview when he picked up the phone.

Do you have 10 minutes to spend right now?

Sure, what’s up?

What’s in your pockets and why?

Chapstick, because I get chapped lips. And my phone, which would be there right now but I’m talking on it.

What is the last dream you can remember?

Last night I had dreams that were half Call of Duty and half geometric arrangements, where I was like on Call of Duty maps but I was trying to make these big geometric figures (like wire frames). I was trying to avoid other people, because there were Call of Duty people around. And when I would finish a shape I was trying to make I would wake up. Strange dream.

If you could talk to one kind of animal, what would it be?

"What's the traffic like?" -Remy Chan talking to birds

Probably birds, because they see all sorts of stuff. I could ask them like “what’s the traffic like?” or “what’s the weather like?” and they could fly over and check it out.

 

The last thing that annoyed you?

Being sick. Yeah. Like yesterday, it was really lame.

What kind of illness was it?

Some sort of like terrible flu. My whole body ached. Headaches if I moved my head too fast. I couldn’t wake up, I just kept going to sleep all day. Hot and cold flashes. Either really hot or really cold. I think that’s part of the reason why I’m having those strange dreams.

You have been chosen to have your life portrayed in a play in three acts. what are the titles of each act?

I think it’s going to be Act 1: Hunting Lions. Act 2: Car Jousting. Act 3: Poor. I have a question for you though, what is this for?

I can answer it with a question: If you had to assign TV or movie characters to the writers at 402, who would they be?

"If I had to assign a movie character to you, it would be Dade Murphy from Hackers." -Remy Chan

I don’t know a lot of the writers actually. Let’s see. I guess the only ones I could assign would be you and Tambo. Tambo: Big Lebowski. Easy one. And you… Dade Murphy from Hackers.

Did the last question reveal what this is?

I’m assuming this is for 402.

Yes, you are correct. How does it feel to be a part of 402 even though you haven’t done anything for the reviews site?

I don’t really feel much a part of it, other than reading it every once in a while. Yeah, that’s about all I do.

Is it strange to think that you own part of this?

Yeah. Because yeah. You’ve basically taken it and ran with it.

Is there any question you want me to ask you?

Uh. What movie character would I assign to you?

Uh… alright. What movie character would I assign you?

Um, let’s see. Blade.

Why?

Because I like swords and killing vampires and being black.

When have you killed a vampire?

That’s beside the point. It’s one of my hobbies.

When have you been black?

Frequently. You know how like, there are guys who are drag queens on the weekends? That’s like me. But I’m usually half-asian but I go out on the weekends and I’m black.

How’s that going for you?

Pretty good. Only a couple close calls when people questioned my blackness.

Anything else you want to say?

I think that just about wraps it up.

—-

After Remy was sick, he ended up getting me sick. It wasn’t as bad. When I told him this he responded with, “Are you saying it’s because I’m black?” I had no comment. Nor did he after that statement.

Category : Complete Miscellany
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16th Mar2011

People at 402: Adam Finley

by nickwan

Don’t let the blood shot eyes, hipster headgear, or a b-side character from Sifl & Olly turn you astray — Adam Finley is quality. What sort of quality? Well, first of all Adam Finley has written more articles than all other 402 writers combined (excluding myself, of course). Secondly, Adam Finley triumphantly had the most accurate top albums list of 2010, based off of our meta-list. One of the most important things that exists about Mr. Finley is the fact that he is one of the few writers who I have never met in real life. In fact, it was our first phone date when I called him to do this interview.

Just like all of the other interviews, this was done out of the blue with no real idea of what sort of questions would be coming at him. Enjoy!

What’s in your pockets and why?

I don’t have anything in my pockets. I changed out of work pants into awesome comfy sweatpants. Did that fuck up the interview? I could lie.

What is the last dream you can remember?

I was at a soccer game and a really really old Chinese dude wouldn’t let me play. I was pretty upset. I’m a pretty tall guy but I felt that I could not beat this guy up.

What are your thoughts on the idea of an aquarium necklace?

I’m thinking more of like an aquarium Hummer, so you can watch sharks swim under you while you drive.

If you could talk to one kind of animal, what would it be?

I have two answers to this. 1) Cats. I have a kitten that’s fucking insane and I would want to know what’s going on in that brain and 2) chimps. Because they are like us.

If you had to assign TV or movie characters to the writers at 402, who would they be?

I’m gonna make you Andy from Weeds. Nate, I picture him as like Peter Griffin. Michelle… it’s not a movie or TV show but I’d make her the old Chinese guy from my dream.

The last thing that annoyed you?

I went to a concert last night and this hulk of a man was standing in front of us and he was swaying side to side in this obnoxious manner and my girlfriend had to do this counter sway to look over one shoulder or the other. And his girlfriend was like mouthing the lyrics back to him like they were meaningful or something. Yeah, I wanted to light both their faces on fire.

You have been chosen to have your life portrayed in a play in three acts. what are the titles of each act?

First act is called Where The Hell Are We? Second act is called California, What The Fuck? And the third act is called Bring Me My Booze.

What would be the problem, climax, and conclusion to your play?

The problem is how do you do something fun with your life and not starve to death? The climax is me fighting a gorilla on top of an active volcano. And the conclusion is that we become friends. I’m assuming if I can talk to chimps, I can talk to greater apes.

You’ve landed on Boardwalk and there is a hotel on it. You don’t own Boardwalk, and you have only the items in your pockets to barter with. How do you get out of paying rent on Boardwalk?

I’d play Bilbo Baggins and make some riddles up. Except he had things in his pockets and I don’t. What? Do you hipsters not like Lord of the Rings?

If you had to bring a show back on to the air, what would it be?

I’d go with Sealab 3030.

What show (or shows) would you cancel?

Are Tim and Eric still doing their Awesome Hour? Because that shit pisses me off. The last thing I remember that I really really hated… Tom Goes To The Mayor. I’m pretty sure that isn’t a show anymore. And another show I would bring back would be Frisky Dingo. I got that on Netflix and that show was really funny. I’d probably have to cancel Squidbillies, though. Not that it isn’t funny (because it is) but because I don’t think it’s that funny. Oh, and Home Movies! I heard Jon Benjamin has a show coming out called Jon Benjamin Has A Van. I got this from the world’s most accurate encyclopedia last night.

If you had to rewrite the ending to any movie, what would it be?

I was in a hotel in Portland last week and I caught Couples Retreat. First off, that movie is extremely horrible. Second, the ending is retarded. Two of the four couples would be happy, one would divorce and go their separate ways, and one would kill his wife and sink her body in the ocean. But would like tie something meaningful to her to sink her, like the pogo sticks he gives her.

–

Thoroughly creeped out, the interview ended there. Adam Finley currently roams around the west coast, residing primarily in the Seattle, Wa area. If we ever were to give money to our staffers, Finley would definitely be #2 on the list. #1 would be the other Adam. Yes, there is another Adam.

Category : Complete Miscellany
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09th Mar2011

People at 402: Ryan Tamborski

by nickwan

Ryan Tamborski, or Tambo for short, is one of the original three 402ers who started this company. Initially based around video-based media, Tambo was point-man on practically every 402 production there was (there weren’t that many, FYI). Since then, Tambo found his way back to the place he grew up and just so happened to land some sort of dream job — working at his favorite brewery, Lagunitas. As far as 402 related duties lately, Tambo has been seen for the one-off record review or one-off rant fueled by some sort of emotion. Mostly, Tambo has been working on content for the site (a la review pictures and logos and whathaveyou) as well as calling me almost daily and asking if I can get him food (I live an hour and a half away).

This interview, like the previous one and the ones that will follow, were all done over a phone or over Skype and without the knowledge that they would be posted up here (at least, not initially). Enjoy!

–

Describe the scents around you right now.

It’s smells like cold air. Actually, the Sonoma Aroma… so cow shitty. Manure. And cold air. And cigarettes, ’cause I’m smoking one.

Would you rather be invisible but only when you had your eyes closed or the ability to fly but had ugly looking wings?

Fly. Because what’s the point of being invisible if you can’t see anything? Ya feel me?

You’ve landed on Boardwalk and there is a hotel on it. You don’t own Boardwalk, and you have only the items in your pockets to barter with. How do you get out of paying rent on Boardwalk?

I stab them in the neck with the pen in my pocket. Or, I start telling a story about something that’s in my wallet, like the Sweet Thing* packet, and in the end if they haven’t forgotten about me paying rent then I stab them in the neck. I mean, what else would I do?

If you could make out with one cartoon character, who or what would it be?

Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Or Ariel, from Little Mermaid. Although, she would probably taste like fish.

My mother thinks mermaids are real. Are mermaids real?

I mean, yeah. We’re discovering new shit in the ocean all the time. We’ll find Atlantis.

You have been chosen to have your life portrayed in a play in three acts. What are the titles of each act?

Act 1: Millions of Sperm and You Were the Fastest. Act 2: Disappointment/Failure #703 and Act 3: Electricity. I kind of want this to be a 17-part act play, where each act is a song off the new Diddy album.

What would be the problem, climax, and conclusion of the play?

Problem is overcoming your inconfidence. The climax is me fucking a chick. Anal. Actually, just anal. That’s the climax. Talking a woman into anal. And the conclusion is I get electrocuted.

What’s a word you know of that you think is misspelled but isn’t?

Phillatilly. Not only the spelling but the definition. Because basically I think it’s a sexual thing and not what it is.

What else questions did you want me to ask you?

Where does the buck stop?

Where does the buck stop?

Here. Another question is “Why do I drink?”

Why do you drink?

Two part answer: part 1, to forget. Part 2 is… i don’t know.

–

*Sweet Thing sugar packet pick up line. If you don’t know it, it goes like this: you are at a coffee shop and you see someone you believe to be a hotsy-totsy. You say to them, “You dropped your name tag…” and then you give them the Sweet Thing sugar packet. WORKZ EVERY TIME.

Category : Complete Miscellany
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02nd Mar2011

People at 402: Nate Pavlot

by nickwan

 

Nate Pavlot is our youngest writer with a taste for music about two decades older than most of his peers. When I was Nate’s age, Nate was not even in junior high yet… but in technicality, we were listening to the same music. Of course, he didn’t stumble upon this sort of music until he was in junior high and high school (normal music discovery age) but he adamantly states that no one he knows listens to any of the music he does. A black sheep in Pittsburgh, a lamb here at 402.

I’ll be posting these interviews with various 402 staffers (both writers and behind-the-scenes types) over the course of the next two months. These interviews were usually ambush interviews done over the phone, or over Skype depending on the person.

–

What’s in your pockets?

Um, my car keys. Because I recently arrived in the current location where I am standing.

Where were you before?

My mother’s house

What is the last dream you can remember?

Last dream I can remember? I don’t know. I can’t remember. Pass.

If you could talk to one kind of animal, what would it be?

Albatross. Because it’s seen everything.

If you had to assign TV or movie characters to the writers at 402, who or what would they be?

Adam Finley would be that guy who works at the restaurant in Office Space (who’s not Jennifer Aniston). You [Nick Wan] would be… TV or movie characters, or does that matter? You can be Neil Patrick Harris from How I Met Your Mother. Michelle DeVries can be Amber Sutton. I feel like her performance really captures her essence. Why are you asking me these questions?

The last thing that annoyed you?

The fact that when I tried to turn on my laptop 5 minutes ago I can’t even boot Windows anymore. Yeah, I’m taking it to Geek Squad.

When is your computer going to be working again?

That is to be determined. I don’t know if it’s even salvageable. I very well could lose all of my data.

What’s important on it?

My entire music library, for one. All my school documents. Various Dan Jordan related files. Other than that, nothing really important.

You have been chosen to have your life portrayed in a play in three acts. what are the titles of each act?

Oooh. Let me think about this. The Birth. The Rebirth. And The Rerebirth.

What’s the problem, climax, and conclusion of the play?

There are no problems. The climax is the entire play. And there is no conclusion.

Did you want me to ask you any other questions?

I don’t really care. I’m assuming this is for some sort of 402 productions interview.

Yeah. It is. Is that a question?

Was that a question?

I don’t know, was it?

It was an assumption, not a question.

You assumed correctly.

As I usually do.

Did you want to say anything else?

What happened to Henry?

Who’s Henry?

You know, that guy who wrote one article… and never wrote again?

Oh right.

Isn’t his name Henry?

Yes it is.

Where did he go?

It didn’t end well. He went to a free show and didn’t write me an article.

I’m going to do that too.

Any closing statements, Nate?

No. No closing statements. I don’t do that.

Why not?

If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit. That’s my closing statement.

Wow, how controversial.

That will create some hype for 402 Reviews. I’m leaving now to take my laptop to Best Buy. Wish me luck.

–

Nate did get his laptop fixed and was able to save a good dose of his files. If any of you are wondering who Henry is… well. A few of the writers believed him to be the worst writer amongst us.

Category : Complete Miscellany
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